Faculty and Staff

Simon Cowell University

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President

Simon Cowell, President

Simon Cowell's music career is now infamous having, over the past 20 years, shaped what we consider to be modern pop music today. In the last 10 years, Simon, a BMG Record Executive, has been making and breaking records. Cowell has achieved sales of over 25 million albums, over 70 top 30 records and 17 number 1 singles.

And nobody cares. President Cowell is hotter than hell, and our students have devoted their lives to the pursuit of knowledge of this most wonderful of men. It's only fair that he gets to be President and holds a master key to all dorm rooms.

Out of respect for Mr. Cowell's sensitive system, SCU does not have a music department.

Dean of Students

HotForSimon, Dean of Students

As Dean of Students, Ms. HFS is dedicated to helping all students realize their full potential as minions of Simon Cowell. Also Department Chair for SCU's Physical Education Department, she has spent countless hours devoting herself to the study of President Cowell's carnal needs and habits, and works tirelessly to keep current in her chosen field.

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Director of Admissions

Julietspeaks, Director of Admissions

Ms. Speaks, a longtime Simon Cowell admirer and minion herself, counsels prospective students and oversees the admissions process for SCU. Applicants who wish to gain admittance to the institute would do well to arrive with gifts (Kate Spade handbags and Manolo Blahnik shoes, size 7.5/41, preferred). Ms. Speaks also heads the Psychology and Biology Departments, where her extensive armchair philosophizing skills are best utilized.